Overcoming a Manipulated Heart
It’s hard to overcome what you can’t see. The worst part may be that you can feel every bit of what’s hard to articulate.
Over a year ago God took me through a period of deliverance I didn’t even know I needed. He took me through relationships I had been over but still wore the burden of. A few things I realized on that journey: I was scared to trust, afraid to be vulnerable, and as much as I acted like I had it together, I didn’t even trust myself. This was the result of surviving manipulative relationships.
I didn’t trust myself to love again. I didn’t know if I could keep myself safe. If I was so gullible to fall for something so apparent, what makes me think I’d be strong this time.
When I love, I love hard. Honestly, I haven’t had many relationships since I dedicated my life to Christ. I was still a baby Christian full of my flesh the last time. Although I have grown a lot since that point in time, still working on myself, I still wasn’t sure I trusted myself. Will I discern correctly? Will I go back to my old habits? Will I keep God at the center once I get what I’ve been asking for?
The truth is, no matter how healed you are, love is still a risk. Even with God at our side in the process. I believe the key is staying humble. Surrendering me. Surrendering my heart. Surrendering the person. Surrender it all.
Knowing who you are is also extremely important. There’s nothing worse than losing you in the relationship. I don’t even know how I even made it out alive from my relationships considering how much of me I lost in them. It’s not like I had a starting point. I had no idea who I was before I entered them, I just knew how they made me feel initially.
As a Christian I think we overanalyze this love thing. We want to know the do’s, the don’ts, the how do I avoid… but it’s all about keeping God at the center and glorifying him. And when we don’t, it’s about getting back to where we do as quickly as possible.
I don’t know why as women we give so much of ourselves in relationships. If you’ve found yourself in the same place as me, take time to heal, and believe God when he says you’re healed. It will still be a process and there are some things that won’t surface until a person you love helps you dig it up. However, don’t be afraid. There’s a story He’s writing and only you can help determine the ending. You made it this far and He knows that part is worth loving too.
Love you.
Love the process.
Pray for your future.
Know your worth.
Know what you deserve.
Be aware of your heart and actions as things occur.
You made it this far, and with God you are safe to go further.
