It’s highly likely that you’ve heard about the importance of healing from past hurts in order to have a healthy romantic relationship. Oftentimes, those past hurts include a difficult break up, a toxic relationship, being cheated on or maybe even an abusive relationship. All of these things can be extremely painful and require healing. But I want to go deeper. Most of those situations are inflicted because of a deeper pain that went untreated. I’m talking about childhood issues that entered our soul when we were unsuspecting and innocent. I am referencing the trauma that affected our emotional foundation and determined the way we see the world. This trauma is so deep that it is typically UNCONSCIOUS through our early adult years. It affects the way we see everything, but we don’t realize it’s happening. We just think that’s the way life is.

This type of trauma usually begins to become apparent when we enter deep love relationships or after we have been married for a while and begin to experience problems that just don’t make sense! That’s because the trauma is so deep inside us, it only comes out when we let someone into the innermost depths of our soul. When you marry, you become one flesh. That process means you are opened all the way up, and bonded to someone else. In the process, all your deepest issues become exposed. Marriage is actually the opportunity to heal from your deepest wounds. But what if you are single and have never been married? You haven’t had that deep romantic mature love yet but that’s what you want??? Well, you have a great opportunity to discover your innermost issues and heal from that pain before you go into a deep love relationship. This definitely gives you a better chance to have a long-lasting relationship or marriage and it will absolutely make you happier in your relationship.

Let me give you an example of what I’m explaining. A friend of mine told me that when she grew up, her father would visit her very rarely. She can still, decades later, vividly remember standing at the window waiting for her father to come or missing him terribly as he drove away. She would go back to the window and soak in her pain, wishing her father was there as a little girl. Now she only likes to date men who are unavailable. Her childhood experiences taught her that the feeling of missing someone who is not there is what love feels like. She learned that love is missing someone! So she found herself only dating men who lived far away or were in another relationship and couldn’t make time for her. She has to heal from that so she can have a healthy romantic relationship.

But how do you discover what your issue is and how do you heal from trauma in your childhood? I’ve discovered a few tactics for identifying your unconscious childhood trauma. There are a couple books that will help; Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix is my top recommendation. Therapy is also very effective and can be done as pre-marital counseling if you are engaged or dating someone seriously. Finally, mapping your relationship habits is very powerful as well. But be aware that what tends to push these things to the surface of our awareness, is conflict in a deep romantic relationship!

However you end up discovering your deep seeded issues… there is a solution in our relationship with Christ. Part of our salvation in Jesus Christ is the opportunity for inner healing. All those hurts and pains we carry deep inside can be healed through an intimate relationship with Christ. This includes our trust issues, our anger issues, our jealousy and resentment issues. It includes our battle with lust, perversion and sexual issues like porn, promiscuity and cheating. It includes our addictions to everything from alcohol, drugs, eating and even shopping. These things are typically happening because we need inner healing. The goal is to heal our wounds and avoid exhibiting the unhealthy things I just mentioned. Instead, when we have experienced inner healing, we will exhibit the Fruit of the Spirit. The scripture in Galatians 5 gives a very tangible example of what I’m talking about:

Galatians 5:19-24 New International Version

19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

Just a note… this scripture is not saying you have to be perfect to go to heaven. Inheriting the Kingdom of God is also a way of talking about experiencing God’s best life for you on earth. No doubt, if you have the unhealthy “acts of the flesh” in your life, things will not go well. However, if you have an attitude that is consistent with the “fruit of the Spirit” you can expect great things throughout your lifetime. This includes being able to connect with a spouse in a way that is healthy and affirming for both of you. It doesn’t mean things will be perfect, but it will make a tremendous difference in your ability to love each other well through the challenges and celebrations of life.

But the question is, “How do I get there?” I worked with a Christian friend who specializes in this topic to map out 10 steps in the process of inner healing.

Here are 10 steps to inner healing:

(1) Be honest with yourself that you may need healing. Don’t beat yourself up, just recognize it.

(2) Ask God to forgive you for your part and your unhealthy responses. Ask God to reveal the location of the pain and how you got to this point.

(3) Call a trusted friend, counselor, advisor, mentor or pastor to verbalize your mistake/the issue and express to them that you need to heal from the pain.

(4) Write out the issue in detail in a journal to keep the details private and forgive yourself.

(5) Make a conscious decision and physical faith move to indicate that you will not go back into the mess or the issue or hang around the people who remind you of the issue.

(6) Get rid of the tangible things that remind you of the issue that you are trying to heal from. Destroy memoirs, pics, clothes...

(7) Write out scriptures and positive confessions or declarations that you see and say daily to renew your mind towards the truth about yourself in the sight of God.

(9) Keep an open line of communication with your counselor, therapist or mentor and have them help you refocus on your purpose in life.

(10) Realize that healing takes time and is a process. Depending on how deep seeded the wounds are, this may take reading several books on healing, listening to videos on healing and listening to sermons on healing. (Stephan Labossiere has several books that are really good)

To get started, try asking yourself, ‘who hurt me?’ Then write out those people’s names. Then write out what they did. Then write each one a letter forgiving them for how they hurt you. If you think it will help, you can send them the letter. But sending the letter is not required.

I pray that your healing journey is fruitful!

Inner Healing For Love