The Side Of Abortion They Don't Tell You About

Pro-Life. Pro-choice.

That’s it. You are either for it or against it. But what happens when you make a pro-choice decision in your fear and feelings of inadequacy only to be filled with regret?

I had an abortion when I was in college. We’ll just let that sit right there for a moment.

The only person I told at the time was my boyfriend. He didn’t even get to have any say-so. When I found out all the thoughts of “you’re not ready, you don’t have any money, you have to finish college, what will your parents say” all came rushing at me so fast that when I called to tell him I had already made up my mind what I was going to do. And he didn’t even argue. At least, he didn’t put up any type of fight that I remember. And so I physically envisioned myself putting the memory into a black box and shoving it into the deepest, darkest part of my mind, never to be opened. I wanted to be as far away from the thought and feelings of the memory as possible. As if it never happened. But when you bury things the dirt on top begins to mound over what you’re attempting to hide.

Deep hidden guilt doesn’t care. The more you attempt to bury, the more noticeable it is on the surface. You think you’re doing a great job covering it up, and at the same time it’s tearing you up inside because you fear others being able to see what you so desperately want to keep in secret.

And yet, there in the back of my mind I just knew it was a girl. Adrienne Celeste I thought, because I always liked those names. But she would never see this on a birth certificate.

There is guilt, shame and a mental healing process that lives on long after an abortion is done. I have cried at times years later because of what I did. I guess it’s natural to ask, “if you could do it all over again, would you?” But that to me is worthless because if I have the power to rewind, I would just keep rewinding to never have been put in that position in the first place. Nonetheless, it’s made me who I am. God has used it to show me more of who He is. It’s a part of my story, no matter how much I want to take it back. And the more I learn to accept it, the more I use it to talk to other girls like me, the more it becomes ok.

At first you can think, ok I’m in the clear, everything is back to normal, but then fear hits. What if there are complications down the line. When I am ready to have kids what if I can’t? These are things you don’t think about when you’re sitting to wait your turn to go in. Everything I feared when I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t think of in the moment of creation. My mom raised me to think of the consequences, and for some reason it never ran across my mind once. All the reasons I can list as to why I had an abortion boils down to one thing:

Selfish.

I was selfish. I only thought about myself. I’m the girl everyone thinks is good, causes no trouble, but I had troubles deep within that even I couldn’t see.

The first time I actually mentioned my abortion to someone other than a close friend was years later. The person I told later came back to me. They said, “ I was praying for you and God wanted me to tell you that He forgives you and you will see her in heaven.”

Her? Her who? I never told them I thought it was a girl. Adrienne Celeste? My mind is racing, my tears are swelling.

“Why did you say her?” I quietly asked.

“Because that’s what God said for me to tell you”


This is not to convince you one way or the other. But I do want you to know my life has changed because of my decision. My life was not in danger, so I can’t speak to the panic of a choice to abort a child to save your very own life. I wasn’t raped and impregnated by a monster. I cannot speak to the other reasons someone would choose to abort their baby. But I do know, there are other options. If you are thinking of an abortion, I pray you would consider the aftermath. It’s not so pretty as a simple choice that we as women get the right to decide and then you just go on about your day. That’s not to say that choosing to keep your child doesn’t come with its own multitude of feelings and fear. Both decisions come with heavy weight. But, if you take a moment to think outside of just yourself, unlike I did, you may be able to see the bigger picture that God is able to create even from our mistakes.

A life is in your hands, and will always be in your hands, no matter how you try to hide it. And if you’ve already been through an abortion, take it from me, God still loves you and there is joy on the other side of your tears. God forgives us of so much, and it can be easy to imagine that mercy for others, but hard to accept for ourselves. But through the pain of our past we have to know we are forgiven, loved and God is proud to show us off as His redeemed children.

“So now the case is closed. There remains no accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One.” Romans 8:1

And His mercy is so powerful you’ll want nothing more than to do right by the One who has truly set you free.

In the end, there is a healing process that has to take place on both sides. We live in a society stuck on our emotions. If you don’t feel like it, don’t do it. We haven’t the capacity to take in the factor of the aftermath of our decisions. We could be affecting communities, states, nations, the world even. God’s will ultimately will be accomplished. But why get in the way of his process?

I wouldn’t wish this pain of guilt on anyone, because you can’t get away from yourself when you’re the one to blame. I pray that less and less girls have to make such a decision.

No matter who you are as a woman, what mistakes you’ve made, what decisions you’ve made because of your mistakes: FORGIVE YOURSELF. Yes, forgive yourself. It is a lie to think you have to keep repenting. It is a lie to think you can do something to earn God’s love. And it is a total lie to think what you’ve done in the past can disown you from His love. He loves you unconditionally. You are redeemed. You are forgiven. There is NO condemnation for those of us in union with Christ Jesus. It is a lie to think that God is causing you to still pay for your past mistakes. God wants you to enjoy your life moving forward. And guess what, your child in heaven wants you to enjoy your life as well. And know that it is ok. If you would’ve known better, you would’ve done better. And even when we know better, we can still do otherwise. But God loves you unconditionally. It’s time we love ourselves the same.

If you, or someone you love, is heavily dealing with the regret that comes with an abortion, please look into Christian healing retreats for those who have had abortions that are near your area.

Peace and blessings. God loves you and so do I.

Keep your crown up,

Felicia Morgan

IG: @feliciajomorgan

Twitter: @feliciajomorgan