When Things Get Hard | Lessons about how to ask for help

What is it about being offered help that sends us into a frenzy of chaotic independence? “I got it” is the mantra that secretly screams, “I need help and desire it but at this point, I trust no one but myself”. Pushing through solo has gotten us nowhere but yet here we are. Sometimes help can actually be genuine. Sometimes we need to be reminded of that.

I used to say I don’t know where it comes from, that lifestyle of not asking for help, being Miss “I can handle it all”, or Miss “Watch how long I secretly carry these burdens before I break down”. Why are we like this? Who raised us? When I decide to be honest with myself I have come to realize it’s several different factors rolled into one.

A performance-driven mindset.

Control freak issues.

A lack of trust.

But, you want to know the number one reason I don’t ask for help? Sometimes I don’t even know that I actually need it. I’m so used to just trekking through life and what it throws at me that I don’t know what I’m thinking half the time that I’m thinking it, especially when I’m overwhelmed. 

Am I good?

How do I feel about that?

Am I okay?

No, really?

I’ve had to learn how to slow down and take inventory of what is happening internally. When I don’t ask these questions my therapist will. so, there’s that. Come to think about it, there’s also that pride thing that keeps me from asking for help. Luckily God has a sense of humor that will humble you if you don’t humble yourself. Enter chaos, and those friends that God sent you, so you can see for once what sincere friendship is all about. What help really looks like in real life.

Understanding people and where people truly fit in your life is a big part of knowing how to ask for help because when you do it’s equally important WHO you ask. Having relationships in the wrong status will have expectations blazed. But the right people with the correct access can assist in the most unexpected and relieving ways. Lean on your friends (your true friends) to get the help you need no matter if it’s spiritual, emotional, or physical.

And then, there’s one last thing about not asking for help that’s the sneakiest of them all: how I see myself. I know I’m not the only one who types up a text message only to delete it because you don’t want to feel like a burden. You don’t want to inconvenience others. You rationalize to yourself that they don’t have time to add on your requests for help, no matter how big or small.  You would rather die of thirst in the midst of a heat wave than to ask someone for a cup of water, all in the name of not making them go out of their way for little ol you.

The hardest part is that even after you’ve accepted the reasons above for why you hoard struggles, you can continue in the cycle as if you are addicted to the burden. Do we like the hardship? Listen sis, if it’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that you can’t live the soft life and muscle man tasks. We have to make up our minds. There’s something about sticking to the hard route. making the flat path into an uphill battle, just to say “we made it” that is starting to not sit right with me. So, how do we go from dehydration to quenching our thirst with the assistance we are dying to ask for?  

1 Renew how you see yourself. You are not a burden. You can be vulnerable, with the right people. You may be surprised who is willing to help you after you’ve been such an effortless blessing for so long.

2 Reflect. As I said earlier take inventory of what’s really going on. Being overwhelmed is a key indicator that you need to pause. Ask yourself what would help you feel more at peace. This will give you a good idea of who you can ask and how you can delegate to make your life easier. 

3 Get out your head. Just ask. Give people room to tell you directly ‘yes’ or ‘ no’. If they don’t have the capacity to help please don’t take it as a rejection of who you are. But you will never know who is able to be there for you and help you get through challenging seasons if you never speak up. An empty stomach can not be fed with a closed mouth.

God called us to experience community with people. You don’t have to go through life alone. There are times we may be more isolated than others, but there are also seasons when we need to learn to count on our community and the people God has surrounded us with. Let others help you the way you help them. Relationships are give and take. You have poured out to others, now learn to be on the receiving end.